How to disagree well
6 minute read
Disagreeing is healthy and necessary for teams to thrive. Ideally, thriving teams have high intellectual friction and low social friction. However, we have found that when we work with teams in conflict, it’s often not the detail of the disagreement that’s the issue, it’s how they handle and communicate their differences.
Some of you reading this instinctively try to avoid disagreement. You may describe yourself as a ‘diplomat’ or as being ‘relationship driven’. These are all good skills, but your leadership will be incomplete without mastering the art of disagreement.
In fact, we would go as far as to say a thriving team is comfortable with looking for disagreement, particularly when making important decisions. Remember, we may find comfort among those who agree with us, but we only find growth amongst those who don’t.
Maybe you don’t buy that, or it makes you feel uncomfortable. Don’t worry, you don’t need to look for disagreement, it will eventually find you. We hope the following ideas give you a good start on how to disagree well:
Listen to understand
In order for the disagreement to be truly resolved, listening on its own is not enough. Leaders and teams need to be curious about each other. How can you try to experience issues and ideas as your colleagues do? Listening is the foundation of empathy. Truly understanding each other and entering into their experience (as well as their argument) is a great first step towards resolving a disagreement. It can be instructive for teams to ‘swap sides’ in a debate and see if they can argue for their opponents as well as they can for their own point of view.
Be real
If you want a thriving team, one that is productive, held together by meaningful relationships, and a place where you can come and feel safe to be yourself, then honesty is incredibly important. It’s been popular lately to speak about radical candour. Some have unfortunately taken that to mean “saying it as it is and sorry if you are offended” which is unhelpful and gives honesty a bad name. Radical candour is the ability to challenge directly whilst showing that you care personally at the same time. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes, but not as much as a remark which is all truth and no love. Conversely all love and no truth protects people from accountability, and they don’t grow.
Opinions are important, facts more so
If you are going to lead from your opinions, then understand that they are simply a perspective that needs to be tested against the evidence. If your opinion is central to you, your leadership, and your values, commit to making it an informed opinion. Always seek out real evidence and expertise and be open to new evidence and information as it emerges. Facts change over time, and so be open to the idea that your opinions could and should change too.
Don’t simply split the difference in the face of disagreement
The middle ground is no more virtuous than either side of the debate and should be judged on its merit. An imperfect compromise leads to imperfect peace. The ‘middle way’ can be a solution but only if it has enough of what works to make it work. If it is simply a thoughtless trade off, it will cause resentment and slow you down.
Move forward
Sometimes disagreements get stuck, and no one gives way. In circumstances like this, it’s often down to the leader to step in and move us on. It’s not about taking sides, nor is it about ignoring genuinely held positions. The art of consensus is not about getting everyone to agree. Rather it’s a process whereby people develop, and then agree to support a decision in the best interest of the whole, even if not the "favourite" of each individual. A simple way to move forward might be to pilot a proposed approach to establish a new set of data or experiences. Perhaps elements of the disagreement can be tested with input from others. Sometimes there isn’t time for that, and the leader must simply choose. Getting stuck on a decision can paralyse you and your team, so remember that when it comes to managing disagreements, movement is life.
We hope you agree with us that these are all helpful ideas, but we would love to hear from you, particularly if you disagree.
More from the Knowledge Hub
